When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to date. I couldn’t wait to finally be old enough to start dating and being in relationships. I fantasized about having a boyfriend like the one in the movies and being brought red roses (though I prefer pink peonies 😍) and chocolates on special occasions and anniversaries. Having two loving parents who were and still are together further helped paint a clear picture of what I wanted from a future boyfriend: passionate love.
what girl doesn’t dream and fantasize about this?
But what I didn’t fantasize about were the issues that I would face when it came to dating. Because it is no secret that I am a transracial adoptee and that my parents and two oldest brothers are white. And perhaps my familial background has no relevance in this post, but it seems to come up whenever I defend my liking of white men. But, I will get into that in a little bit. Anyways, just like it is no secret that I am adopted, it is and never will be a secret that I unashamedly date white men. However, I’ll be honest and admit that my openness to preferring dating white guys is probably the sole cause of my naivety, because I would quickly come to learn that just because I was open about and proud of who I choose to date did not, by any means, mean that others would be as accepting and cool with it.
How unfortunate, right? I know. But it’s the world we live in.
Fortunately, two of my favorite shows, Scandal and Shameless feature interracial couples where the woman is black and the man is white. Seeing this made me realize that I am obviously not alone in liking white men and that it isn’t wrong. Do people find it wrong, weird, or unacceptable? Yeah, of course. But, is it really wrong? Not at all. Watching these two shows also made me realize that black men dating white women aren’t the only acceptable interracial pairing. I will talk more on this particular topic some other day, but for now, I will keep it basic so that I can focus on the main point of this post: everything I have learned from being a black girl that dates white guys.
With that being said…
Here is everything I have learned from being a black girl that dates white guys —
you will be fetishized
This disgusts me and will continue to do so. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have been approached by white men who feel that it is their right to ask me the most degrading, dehumanizing, and disgusting questions imaginable. Nevermind the fact that I am a living, breathing person with dignity who is deserving of respect. My dignity goes right out the door when I get messages asking me if it’s true that black girls are better at x, y, and z. I won’t go into detail, because I am sure you all know exactly what they’re asking me. Some guys are very assertive, not even bothering to exchange pleasantries with me, but deciding to just go for it in the hopes that whatever they’re asking of me can get accomplished asap. And some are more subtle, in that they conveniently strike up a conversation with you knowing very well that their only intention is to check “had sex with a black girl” off their bucket list, as well as any other sick, twisted, and perverted things they want. Either way, it’s wrong. Very wrong. So, because of this, I started bracing myself every time I would get a notification, never knowing if I’m going to open up a message that consists only of degrading or stereotypical things. Allow me to set the record straight (once and for all): just because I am black does not mean that I possess any of the traits that these awful stereotypes suggest AND know that sex isn’t really different based on race, it’s all about the personality of the people involved.
walking around will be awkward; you’ll get stared at and glared at
Yeah, dealing with the stares and glares was very awkward and uncomfortable at first. But, with time I got used to it and have since learned to ignore them as best I can. Does it still get to me? I would be lying if I said no. But, it no longer causes me to feel worthless, insignificant, gross, and weird. I no longer go home, cry, and feel that I am better off just not dating anymore solely because people think it’s ok to publicly and directly express their disapproval of my choice in men. However, it still hurts from time-to-time, but as I said – time and maturation have been on my side through all of this. Unfortunately, as time goes on, people still remain shallow and judgemental, so it is disheartening to see that the only changes that are being made are on my end. People will quite literally stare (and/or glare) at you as if you have 5 arms and 2 heads, no joke. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have been out and about and have encountered this. In fact, it’s so normal that I honestly cannot remember a time when the vibe was so tense that my partner (whoever it happens to be) and I both feel it. To give you all more specific examples of incidents that I encountered solely due to the fact that I was walking hand-in-hand with a boyfriend who happened to be white, I will tell the story of when my ex-boyfriend Adam and I were at Forest Park walking around after having visited the History Museum. As we walked around together, we came upon a Black woman who was visibly mentally ill (and I don’t say this in a mean way, whatsoever) and in an attempt to alleviate the awkwardness of her unapproving and unwavering glare, Adam and I both gave her a soft smile. Well, I guess even that little bit of acknowledgment set her off because she immediately started screaming (yes, screaming…) profanities and insults at us. The situation was concerning and alarming, to say the least, but to keep from crying, I decided to just brush it off and act as though what happened had never occurred. About a month later, we were walking around Cherokee Street and as we walked, we came to an intersection that had a basketball court on the corner. The court was full of a bunch of black kids having a good time and the sight made me happy, because they were all having the time of their lives. This specific incident won’t leave a sour taste in your mouth but will prove to you just how adamant people are about bringing race into anything and everything. Anyways, Adam and I were about halfway past the court when some black teenage walked a bit closer to us (I got a little nervous but realized I was probably in no harm), stared us down, and then said, “White boy got him some chocolate.” Weird. Very, very weird. So, the bottom line is this: every time I have gone on a date with a white guy, we have been stared at. Sometimes things are mumbled about us, but regardless, we are stared at. It’s uncomfortable and disheartening, but it is what it is.
you will be called a Nubian princess or a chocolate queen
Being called “hot chocolate,” “chocolate queen,” “Nubian princess,” is not flattering, whatsoever. I promise you it’s not. Honestly, every time I have encountered this, I do take offense because it’s pretty much a microaggression. Date me for my heart, my intelligence, my compassion. Do not date me or claim to have an interest in me because of my skin color. This isn’t to say that you can’t find my skin color beautiful. Because you can and I appreciate that. However, I have been on too many dates that have ended poorly and have left a nasty taste in my mouth because the guy found it ok and/or necessary to call me a chocolate queen/princess, tell me how cute and/or well-spoken I am for a black girl, etc. It’s not cute and is not appreciated, whatsoever. Compliments are one thing, but microaggressions are a completely different thing. Trust me. That said, if you are unsure of where to draw the line, just don’t say it. Or, do a bit of research as to what microaggressions are and how to avoid using them! But, to help you out, here are things you should avoid saying or doing:
- calling us hot chocolate, Nubian queen/princess, etc.
- touching our hair
- asking to touch our hair
- saying that we are really _______ for a black girl
- saying that we ___________ for a black girl
- assuming things about us because of our skin color
if they’ve dated a black girl before, they will make sure you know all about it
Yep, that’s right. Be prepared to give the guy a gold medal because he will be expecting one once he finally finishes telling you about how he’s been with a black girl before, sexually or romantically/seriously. Sometimes you’ll find a guy with manners who will simply say, “Yeah, I’ve dated black girls before” and other times you’ll get the guy who thinks that by telling you every little detail about his time with the black girl he speaks so much of, that you, too, will want to be with him. Because who would turn down a guy like this? *crickets* When dating, skin color shouldn’t matter. Nobody should be dating another person solely based on the fact that they are a certain race. With that being said, because I oftentimes date white guys, I have come to find out that if they have been with a woman of color before, they will tell you as a way of pretty much saying, “I’ve been around the block before, so you have nothing to worry about.” In fact, I think they do it as a way of feeling more acceptable. But, nonetheless, it is annoying. Offensive, not as much. Annoying, yes.
dating will be a bit harder; you will be rejected because of your race
Not everybody is going to be attracted to me. I get that, I really do. But, what hurts the most is when it is so obvious because of your skin color. Because nevermind the fact that I apparently “talk white,” “dress white,” or “act white.” My skin color introduces me before I can even get a word out. I will probably go into this a bit more someday, but for the sake of this post’s length, I will keep it brief for now. But anyway, I will admit that because of the fact that I am a woman of color and do not want to be associated with the hurtful stereotypes that are placed on black people, I do try extra hard to make sure that my dating profile puts me in the best light and makes me look good. I know this sounds bad, but first impressions are everything and when you are using dating apps, you really have to stop and put effort into your profile if you want others to take you seriously and want to meet you in person. You know? And I get it – at the end of the day, a few pictures will not make an ignorant person un-ignorant. So, I by no mean think or am suggesting that by spending extra time making sure my profiles put me in a good light and attempt to introduce me before I can formally introduce myself, that I never deal with ignorance on behalf of my skin color. Wishful thinking, perhaps. But, I understand the world for what it is. Trust me. Anyways, a lot of white guys have matched with me just to make an ignorant comment and then un-match with me. I don’t get it, I really don’t. But, it is what it is. Luckily I have found the guy of my dreams!
you will be accused of being a racist and you will be looked down on (and shunned) by your own race
Let me get this straight: I am not racist for choosing to date white guys. A lot of my friends and a lot of black guys will accuse me of being racists or hating my race when I tell them that I prefer dating white guys. They tell me that I shouldn’t date my oppressors or that by not actively looking to date black men that I am thinking I am better and that I am therefore a racist. I am not racist, ok? I find many black men attractive. Do I have to date them just to show that I am not a racist? No, no I do not. If I had fallen in love with a black man, I would marry him if it came to that.
this is the crap I used to deal with prior to meeting Adam
Just because I am adopted does not mean that that is why I date white men. I date white men because as a human being, I have preferences and I just so happen to have that preference. It’s so disheartening to see that people still have such ignorant mindsets in terms of race and racial relations and how liking one race makes somebody a racist. It’s absurd. It really, really is.
not everybody’s families will be accepting of the relationship
How sad, right? I had this particular wake up call when I dated my ex E back in 2017. Having only been exposed to families who were open and accepting of their son dating a black woman, dealing with the blatant racism from E’s parents was, in a way, traumatizing. I had never seen such blatant racism, so this was new to me. Very, very new. Aside from the stereotypical and ignorant comments, his mom didn’t hold back whenever she would tell us to our face how much she disliked her son dating a black woman. E, having dated black women before, was used to her verbal abuse. But, I, on the other hand, didn’t quite know how to take it. I mean, who would? It was hurtful and eventually got to be too much. And while his family’s racism is not the main reason as to why we ended things, it most definitely played a role, considering no significant other wants to be horribly treated by their partner’s family, especially when it’s all because of race. So, yup — I dodged a bullet there!
And… that’s a wrap!
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That, my friends, is everything that I have learned from being a black woman that likes dating white men. It’s unfortunate that people are still so close-minded and ignorant. But I clearly have not let that stop me from dating who I want. And, you shouldn’t either. Date whoever you want and be proud of that. Love is love 🤗
Are you in an interracial relationship? If so, tell me about it in the comment section below!
Thanks for reading and love to you all.