This will most likely be a long one, because my relationship with Ad was multifaceted, to say the least. Because of that, I want to make sure that I am able to thoroughly explain myself and my feelings, as well as ensure that you all are able to benefit from the experiences that you’ll soon be hearing all about. But, I promise to make it worth it. Which I always do, right? 😉 My fingers are crossed…
Anyway, let’s get real with each other and admit that —
relationships are hard, alright?
Can we all agree on that? I hope so. I think we can also agree on the fact that relationships do not work unless both parties are equally as invested, interested, and willing to do whatever it takes to maintain the relationship. And judging from the title of this post, I think you all know where I am going with this. At least I hope you do.
Each and every relationship — romantic, familial, or platonic — will teach us something about ourselves. And luckily I know this to be a fact because every person I have ever had relations with has taught me about myself and the world. This is awesome, because whether or not the relationship has ended, you know you will be able to say, “At least I learned something!” And I get it – maybe you won’t say this right away. That’s ok, most people don’t. But, eventually, you’ll look back and be able to see how you’ve changed and reflect on what all you learned.
With the ending of my most recent relationship (which this post is about), I can say that I am there — I have accepted what is and what was and I have moved on. It was not easy, though! Heck, I only recently began accepting everything, allowing myself yo sit down and go through all of what I learned. I know I’ve learned a lot, which is why I am making this post. I am still alive and I am still breathing and I am also able to write about it. Which is good. Very, very good.
So, I guess the title speaks for itself in that I really will never chase another man or relationship ever again. And here is why…
So, you’re probably wondering why I stayed in a relationship with someone who I felt the need to chase. And it’s because —
I’m not going to sit here and make the claim that my ex doesn’t and didn’t love me, because I know he loves me a lot. And, I love him. But, I need to love myself more and learn to walk away, instead of chasing people and relationships because I fear losing them. I guess this fear stems from my childhood.
Growing up, my parents always made sure to support all of our hopes and dreams. They still do, but I say this to make the point that from an early age, I was encouraged to go after whatever it is I wanted and to not let failure keep me from achieving the goals I have set out to achieve. I appreciate my parents so much for instilling in all of us the importance and benefits of perseverance.
This way of thinking, however, bled into my relationships, causing me to stay in relationships that no longer served me, in the hopes that things would get better and that with enough time, I could heal the other person and make them happier. Of course this hindered my ability to not only trust my gut (which is super, super important!), but I also lacked boundaries, in that I prioritized everybody but myself.
Simply put, it took Adam to make me realize something very important —
You will never have to chase someone that wants you and loves you. Never.
This was a hard pill to swallow, to say the least. My ex and I had shared not only a really strong connection, but we also shared some amazing memories, laughs and inside jokes, and deep, heartfelt conversations that I knew I might never have again. The good memories are why I chased the relationship I so badly wanted the arguments to cease and for the good times to be all of what we experienced together. I wanted my best friend to be my best friend again.
I knew I was going to miss the good times. Who wouldn’t? But, I also knew that I had to move on. But, the real question is why did I stay? There is a simple answer and that is because I love/loved him. But, the more complicated and complex answer, which is more truthful, too, is exactly that — complex and complicated. However, I choose to talk about it because I think it’s something we all struggle with and go through…
I stayed because I didn’t want to be a failure for not being able to make things work out. And there’s more to this, obviously, but I want to solely focus on my romantic relationships. I never allowed myself to end thing because I always convinced myself that if I try harder, everything will work out and be ok. I had convinced myself that if the relationship were to fail, it would be because of me and my inability to make things work.
Simply put, I stayed because I wanted the Adam I fell in love with and the easy-going and fun relationship we had. I stayed because I didn’t want to miss out on the Adam I felt that I needed. When the arguments and fights surfaced, I always decided to remain positive and forgiving. He, on the other hand, would use those times to think negatively about me, our relationships, and what al could potentially go wrong in the future. And, as a result, we broke up. We broke up a lot towards the end.
And throughout all of that, I kept telling myself that “We obviously keep getting back together because we love each other and have such a great connection.” Yes, I told myself exactly that. Because I forced myseld to believe that. But, until a few weeks ago, I realized that we both kept getting back together because being alone is so much scarier than being wounded while in a relationship with someone else. So, all-in-all, to feel like I wasn’t a failure, I kept trying to force the puzzle pieces together so that eventually, maybe, just maybe, the puzzle would finally be complete and we could be together and make things worse.
I stayed because I didn’t want to give up on somebody who I didn’t want giving up on me. I also didn’t want to have to deal with heartbreak and all it entails, as well as starting over with somebody in the future since I had already told him so much and had given him so much of myself…
I ignored my anxiety. My gut. And my heart. All because I wanted something that was never mine to begin with…
I was also knee-deep (well, shoulder-deep, to be exact) in denial. Because I knew that once I finally accepted that Ad and I weren’t meant to be and that things really were over, I would probably never talk to him again. The stranger that became my lover and my best friend would become a stranger all over again. This thought was, at one time, too much for me to handle. So, by denying that things couldn’t be mended, worked on, and saved, I allowed myself to remain in the little bubble of “what was” and “what could be” instead of putting myself in the “what is” bubble. Because denial can be a source of comfort at times. An unhealthy comfort, but a comfort, nonetheless.
I kept telling myself that one day I will be able to tell my kids all about how Adam and I struggled a lot but that we loved each other too much to be broken up. I told myself that if I just hang in there and fight for us, that I won’t regret it. But, I knew I couldn’t keep fighting a losing battle. I knew I had to quit making excises like “the thing is just bad” and see it for what it was — he didnt want me and not only that, but I no longer wanted that relationship.
So, when did I know it was over for good? Great question!
The simple answer is this: the care package. But, the more in-depth answer to that question of when I knew it was over, that I no longer wanted to fight for us or be with Adam, and that I had to heal in move on would be when I didn’t even receive a “Thank you” text after I had delivered the care package that I had worked very, very hard on.
All I got in return was silence.
And that very silence was the silence that made me so uncomfortable and hurt to the point that the feelings caused me to admit the very thing I had been refusing to admit all along: things are over and I need to heal and move on. I couldn’t even force myself to cry. I suppose I had cried so much in the past that my heart and soul knew that it was time to pick myself up and heal properly. Because when someone cares about you, they not only express it verbally, but they express it through their actions. And silence and inactions are signs in and of themselves. That said, I was finally allowing myself to see him for who he was letting himself be.
Author and poet, Alfa Holden, has some amazing and powerful work that touches on heartbreak, romance, self-love, and relationships. I only included one of her quotes in this post, but there were so, so, so many that I easily could have added. However, I highly recommend checking out her book of poetry, prose, and quotes, called Abandoned Breaths (affiliate link ya’ll!); you will not be disappointed. I promise!
What is next for me? Where am I going from here?
Friends, in the end, I realized something: if I love myself, I won’t attract people who ate unable to love me the ways that I want and deserve. So, with that — I finally decided to enjoy being single. I decided that my heart was too important to keep hurting. I decided that until I learn to love myself, I wasn’t going to date.
I am focusing the next few months on myself; me, myself, and I. I have put my heart through the wringer and I owe it to myself to take a step back from being in relationships with others and to be in a solid relationship with myself. I am going to school full-time, as well as blogging full-time and when I have free time, I am spending it with myself and getting to know who I am better or surrounding myself with friends and family. THIS is the best decision I have made because in taking time to be alone, I am continuously learning so much about myself. I am figuring out who I really am and what I really want in and out of life. And, most importantly, I am learning that the best relationship I can be in is one with myself. I am learning that the way in which I love myself will ultimately set the stage for how others love me and how I allow them to love me.
And THAT is why I will never chase a relationship ever again!
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Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? Let me know in the comment section below!
Thank you all so much for reading that super long post! I hope you’ve found it useful or even relatable! Love to you all