It’s so secret that in the age of constant communication and social media, people have found it easier to hide behind a screen rather than communicate face-to-face. Because of this unfortunate phenomenon, people who either a) totally hate confrontation b) just don’t care or c) don’t know how to properly communicate their issues, take the route of ghosting someone who they no longer want anything to do with. And this could be for a plethora of reasons, but the point is, people have taken it upon themselves to quite literally ghost people who they don’t feel need an explanation as to why.
So, what exactly is ghosting? Good question. Ghosting is defined as:
(I made that gif and I’m super proud of it lol)
And I will be honest, before now, I didn’t realize that friends got ghosted. I assumed it was done between people who connected on a dating app and along the way, Person A came to the realization that they weren’t a match with the other person and because they didn’t want to have to take part in a conversation with Person B, in which they would ultimately have to cut things off and most likely explain why they don’t see things working out, decided to just hit the imaginary block button, eliminating all contact with that other person. And Party B is left wondering —
“What did I do wrong?” “Why wasn’t I even good enough for an explanation?” “Why did they do this to me?
Sadly, I think we all have, at one point or another, gotten ghosted. Maybe we didn’t realize it, because it bore no significance 0r impact on our lives and we are onto bigger and better things. Or maybe we did notice, but opted out of trying to get answers and thought it’d be best to just brush it off, because why worry about someone not wanting to talk to you, right? It spares you from having your time, and ultimately your feelings wasted and hurt.
At this point, you’re probably wondering why I’m talking about ghosting and why I’m saying that it’s ok to get ghosted. Well, I was ghosted by a “friend” recently. And to this day, the whole situation still confuses me and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And while I will probably never know why she decided to just cut me out of her life only a few hours after we had spent hours hanging out and days after she had sent me text messages in which she thanked me for being a good and understanding friend to her, told me how much she appreciated me, and mentioned how she appreciates not only our friendship but also my boldness and confidence, I know one thing: it has nothing to do with me.
Our (well, mine) conversation started looking like this:
(I made that gif, too, and I’m super proud of it lol)
Like I said in my post about the many lessons I learned from my breakup with my ex, lessons are to be learned from any and all relationships, romantic and platonic. However, in order to learn from the relationships, we have to be willing to open ourselves up to learning. Meaning, we have to be ok with being vulnerable with ourselves. And that can be scary and intimidating. I get it. But, it’s pivotal in our maturation and in being true to ourselves enough to know what’s in our best interest. It helps us grow and learn how to draw healthy boundaries as to what we are willing to give our energy to — thoughts feelings people, etc. Because if we fail to set those healthy boundaries, we will continuously end up hurt, disappointed, and constantly blaming ourselves. And sometimes we are to blame. But, sometimes we aren’t. And in this specific situation, I now know that I am not at fault and that her ghosting me has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
And when I say that it has absolutely everything to do with her, I don’t say that meaning or negatively. But, it’s rue. She was the one that decided to end the relationship. Why? I dunno. but, what is known is that for some reason or another, she felt that our friendship was no longer something she wanted to maintain. So, to deal with that, she willingly decided to ghost me and cut me out of her life completely while offering no explanation to me or anything.
It took an hour-long conversation with my therapist to make me realize that this quite literally had nothing to do with me. Nothing.
Now, had I said horrible things to her, belittling her every chance I got and going out of my way to be a terrible friend to her, I would totally take responsibility and admit that because of my inability to be a good friend to her, that she made the (healthy and wise) decision to cut ties with me. But, I knew I had been a good friend to her. A perfect friend? No. But I had done my best to be a good and caring friend to her and whether or not she accepts that is beyond me and out of my control. But, what is in my control is how I move forward and what I allow myself to think, as I move on from this unfortunate ending of a relationship I cared about and wanted to maintain.
So, that brings me to a really important point —
why YOU should be ok with getting ghosted
And, the simple reason is: because we all deserve people who care about us and are willing to put in the effort to communicate with us, even if it’s to end a relationship. We deserve peace of mind. And, we should never have to feel unimportant or question our worth.
But, the more complex reasoning consists of the following —
- not all relationships, romantic + platonic, are meant to last forever and result in something beautiful
- being grateful for the memories versus being bitter and hostile will allow you to be more at peace with the situation and your life
- how someone decides to end things say everything about them and nothing about you
- we can’t make people like us, want us, or want to have any kind of relationship with us
- life is way t0o short to worry about the people who aren’t worrying about us
So, why do people ghost? Many reasons, those being —
they simply do not like confrontation/lack assertiveness
Maybe you did something, maybe you didn’t. You will probably never know, because the person who ghosted you strongly dislikes confrontation and is prone to taking the easy way out of situations that involve them having to be assertive and speak up for themselves. This doesn’t mean that the ghoster is a bad person, it just means that they lack the ability to tell others how they feel, especially when the conversation has potential to turn tense, uncomfortable, or argumentative. So really, what this boils down to is them just not being as mentally mature as maybe they could or should be and decided to cut you off cold turkey.
it’s honestly not you, it really is them
Simple as that. Be grateful for the memories and move on knowing that it was fun while it lasted.
they just don’t like you
This is a hard and bitter pill to swallow, because it hurts knowing that someone we like doesn’t feel the same way. To cope, we overanalyze and try to come us with some reasonable explanation, refusing to accept that someone dislikes us for no reason. But, sometimes people just don’t like us and that’s life. We are not compatible with everybody and that’s ok. This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. Nope! This just means we are human.
you hurt them and they don’t feel comfortable confronting you
I briefly mentioned this earlier on, but sometimes we are to blame. This somewhat goes with number one, in that if you hurt the other person, unintentionally or intentionally, they may be the type of person to either a) bottle it up until they get to their breaking point + cut you off altogether or b) they may just not even want to talk to you anymore, not to mention confront you. So, yes, it hurts. But, life goes on. Forgive yourself if you knowingly hurt them and wish them well.
they may have a lot going on and cannot handle a friendship/relationship
Relationships can be energy-consuming. Because let’s face it, even if you don’t talk to your girl/boy friend all of the time, there is still an unspoken level of pressure in keeping and maintaining that relationship, so that you don’t lose that person or have them thinking you dislike them. So, when you have a lot going on and really feel the need to just shut yourself off from the rest of the world, sometimes ghosting seems like the best option, since telling somebody that you no longer want them in your life or that you don’t have time for them oftentimes opens up a whole new can of worms. Self-love is and should always be a person’s top priority. That said, if you got ghosted, it could be because your friend is struggling and need to focus on themselves before they can give their best selves to a friendship or a romantic relationship.
So, how should you react to this:
- don’t blow up their phone
- give them space
- do not reach out until they reach out to you
- if a few months go by and you still haven’t heard anything, try calling them
- if you get no response, don’t leave a message and do not call them anymore
So, ladies, if you have been ghosted it is ok. I was ghosted and I’m ok. We are ok!
Leave a comment below if you have a similar story or just wanna talk! Refer back to my breakup post, too, if need be! Love to you all 😘 😘 😘